I wish I had more positive feelings to relay about anticipation, but alas, I do not. Especially with my days as cramped as they have been.
Script
Anticipation has always festered in me. If I could cut it from my life I would do so. I have a terrible, reflexive tendency to let all futures invade the present and I become mired in those potentialities.
I am paralyzed. Endeavoring to anticipate and reckon with tragedies that have yet to occur drowns out all considerations of reality as I truly experience it. Like birdsongs scoured from a city. I am always holding my breath for something
I don’t want to be surprised by tragedy, and as a result, every moment in its absence seems fake. I never presume to know what terrible thing is hanging on the horizon, but I only feel peace when awful times arrive, because there’s nothing left to anticipate, and I can finally act against what hurts me.
For example, I despise walking by roadways. When I make ready to cross an intersection and see a car approaching, occasionally I picture rolling under the tires. I see bone crumble and powder beneath the skin, coagulating with lymphatic fluid, the useless clenching of tendons like red ropes in mud, tendrils of muscle snapping through splintered bone like nettles.
That’s not how it works, I know, but I see it all the same.
My days have been filled with anticipation. Tomorrow I have an interview that I’ve spent half a year trying to get, which will determine at least the next three years of my life. Three days later, I will be off to Italy, and when I arrive, perhaps I will breathe again.
Dylan I really enjoy your writing about your experience of anticipation. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one! Hopefully this anticipation can be met with pleasant surprise rather than tragedy.
I really enjoyed listening to this because I love how you found words to describe all of the messy thoughts and I love how you decided to share them with us, it definitely makes me feel excited to share more. The tone of your voice and the ducks and the scary poetry was just perfect.
Your last line ” and when I arrive, perhaps I will breathe again” really resonated with me. I was just telling my roommates today, that when I get on the plane I can finally calm down. I also like the dark tone of your video paired with the darkness of your script. They match your other work really well.
This is fantastic in a multitude of ways. First off, you have an incredible way with words and the cadence in which you speak. It is easy to follow and captivating. I always find wright to be difficult, but you seem to come upon it naturally. my favorite quote is “I don’t want to be surprised by tragedy, and as a result, every moment in its absence seems fake.” that is something very relatable to me. Additionally, the soundscape over it conveys such strong emotion- it feels like it’s drilling into my mind. It shows that unease you talk of.
Dylan, bravo. This captures so much of so many things swirling around anticipation. It covers much more ground than this Italy trip. The soundscape is also very original and dynamic. I wish we could hear you a little bit better in that one section, but I totally understand your reason for it and sometimes the artist must give us a little less than our wish, so we keep listening to hear it again. The video is extra, I like how the negative space crowds out the light. Top notch.