Scott explains her discovery of her asexual identity in this story, and its relationship with her blindness. She explains that she was always the last of her friends to achieve life milestones, and how as an impressionable teenager she had many insecurities and wanted to fit in with her friends. She was surrounded in her teenage years by other disabled people, and her insecurities about her appearance were amplified by her friends’ ideas of what the ideal woman was like. She explores her lack of interest in men and how throughout her life she has felt indifferent about sex. Many of her experiences with men that she recalls consist of groping and sexual harassment, and as she grew older she has felt more anxiety about explaining her life choices: to not be married, have kids, be sexual with other people.
She details her discovery of pleasuring herself and the term asexual. She had a conversation with a classmate who said, “disabled people are either asexual or hypersexual” (126), and at first she was taken aback by the blatant ableism in this discussion. Later, she did more research about asexuality and realized that she had the wrong idea in her head about what asexuality was. Now she uses the term and has talk some friends and family about her identity.
At the end she explains her happiness with her independent life. That she is at grad school and many of her friends have taken different paths in life. At the end she explains, “The thought of sex is still uninteresting to me, the thought of having kids is still unpaltable to me, and still, all the time, learning what it is to be a woman, with all that this entails. I look forward to what happens next. And every day I’m still smiling.” (128)
There is a lot in Scott’s writing about the connections between disability and asexuality, which I found overlapped with a lot of what the keywords reading also talked about, that queerness and disability often go hand in hand. Howveer, what Scott and many other people in the asexual and disabled communities often points out, the two occur on their own. There is intersectionality to these communities, but they are not one in the same. Scott even discusses this, that she, “ couldn’t bear it if [her] sexuality ended up being determined by disability” (127) Asexuality could often be misdiagnosed as hypoactive sexual desire disorder, and many people on the autism spectrum also face a lot of stigma by often automatically being labelled as asexual. I’ve found too that in the asexual community there was at one point an effort to disconnect asexuality from disorder, but there was also quickly push back against this as asexual people realized that there was overlap in the communities and to try to fully separate them was to disregard disabled asexuals.
Asexuality is very fluid, with different people falling into different levels of attraction, both sexual and romantic, so seeing Scott’s own detailed account of her relationship with her sexuality was very eye opening to me. And I am glad that she as a disabled asexual has written about her relationship between these two identities.