asexuality

In Sickness and In Difference

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(I apologize in advance but I am doing two essays. I figured a few of us might choose one of them, but I still wanted to give my thoughts on it!)

CW: Sex toys

Keisha Scott’s “Last but Not Least- Embracing Asexuality”

Jamison Hill’s “Love Means Never Having to Say… Anything”

“Love Means Never Having to Say… Anything” begins with Jamison Hill’s desire to say “I love you” to his partner, Shannon. Hill recounts the times when he thought he was in love with previous partners, when he could still speak and have conversations with them, before defining his condition of myalgic encephalomyelitis, a condition that keeps him bedridden and unable to speak. Hill continues by speaking about how he had met Shannon and how their shared condition turned into a relationship, and how that relationship between two sick people can be just as good as a relationship between a sick person and a healthy person. He talks about the way they take care of each other and share their lives together without vocal conversation and he ends with his painful attempt to vocalize his love. The essay finishes with his failed attempt, but Shannon’s understanding of what he wanted to say.

“Last but Not Least- Embracing Asexuality” begins with Keisha Scott’s recounting of always being the last person to hit milestones. From her blindness, to getting her period late, Scott tells of how she felt different from everyone around her, but she desperately wanted to be a woman. She continues with talking about how all of her friends were interested in children, boys, and having sex, being jealous of the attention that her friends got from men, and the desire to gain respect by finally becoming a woman via getting her period. She talks about how she had started by conforming to gender norms for women but was still late in the process, how she first experienced desire to when she first saw porn and masturbated. Scott recalls being disillusioned with the concept of sex, how nothing felt right and that she took a while to understand the sensation of sex. Scott then talks about buying sex toys, dodging questions about sex and relationships, and feeling a “wrongness” that she didn’t align to societal norms. Scott continues by talking about how she took a course on feminism and sexuality and how a conversation about sexuality and disability made her to begin questioning the meaning of “asexuality”. Scott ends the essay by researching asexuality, finding peace in the narratives she read and explaining that she has no desire for sex or children, contrary to what the world around her says.

Quote Bank:

“When we are together, we spend weeks in bed, mostly holding each other, our bodies aligned like two pieces of broken plate glued back together” (Hill, 263)

“These failed romances remind me of the baffling incompatibilities two people can have, but also how love can transcend even the most insurmountable obstacles when you find the right person” (Hill, 264).

“I had never thought about it like that- the possibility of two sick people being in a successful relationship together” (Hill, 265).

“I started to read more on asexuality, read personal stories of others- both disabled and able-bodied – who were completely fine: some were married, some had kids, some have sex once in a blue moon, some have never had sex, some were single” (Scott, 127).

“I already faced discrimination and ableist views from society in so many other ways; I couldn’t bear it if my sexuality ended up being determined by my disability” (Scott, 127).

Reflection:

I chose to do two analyses because I identified so strongly with one, but I also understand that it might be a popular choice in our cohort. So firstly, I will talk about Jamison Hill’s “Love Means Never Having to Say… Anything”. There is a societal pressure that in relationships, certain things *have* to be performed. A romantic first kiss, a declaration of love, a passionate urgency in the early stages that gets rekindled over time. I think that Hill does a great job in subverting these expectations through his writing of his relationship with Shannon. He acknowledges that kissing next to your expended body fluids is not the most romantic thing, but for two sick people, it works because there is a mutual understanding of illness. He might not be able to vocally say “I love you”, but the ways in which they take care of each other are acts of love in themselves, not needing to be spoken aloud. As someone who is a hopeful romantic, I understand to the depth of his definition of “two broken plates glued back together”. There is a fascination with perfection in relationships as well, everything has to appear perfect at all times to the world because no one should know if you have tension in your relationship. However, Hill defines the two of them as broken plates, something deemed by society as “apart”, but together they are “whole”. While they might not be “broken” in the same way, it is through that brokenness that they find wholeness together. The art of *kinstugi*, or repairing broken pottery with gold, allows the artist to highlight the brokenness through something beautiful, and I think that is exactly what Hill has done in this essay. He has taken the brokenness and uniqueness of two people and shown how together, their love and understanding is so beautiful it is beyond words or expectations.

“Last But Not Least- Embracing Asexuality” is one of the most relatable pieces of writing I have read all year. Aside from being blind, the bulk of Scott’s essay was a reflection of my own experience with having chronic illness and discovering my sexuality. As a whole, Scott talks about the dual struggle of being different from her blindness, but then also not having the same feelings and desires as her peers. I have written about the concept of asexuality and disability before, but I will reiterate the point that those who identify as asexual are even more likely to be ostracized in the spaces they occupy. For one, if they are in heteronormative spaces, it is possible they will be ostracized for being disabled. But in disabled spaces, where people with disabilities have fought to be seen as regular sexual beings, asexuals are more likely to be ostracized for not pushing the sexual narrative. There is a unique difficulty that presents itself in these spaces as is, but to have a sense of dual-difference is even more challenging. Despite all of this, I cannot help but feel so validated in Scott’s narrative that she created. In a world that is simultaneously so sex-forward but prudish towards the expression of sexuality, to have any sort of dual-identity with asexuality can be a very lonely process. I can certainly identify with her finding peace in the stories that she read of other asexuals, and it brings me peace to read her narrative. From a disability studies standpoint, I would absolutely recommend anyone studying the intricacies of intersectionality to read this essay. It does a fantastic job at weaving together the truths of gender performance, societal expectations, sexuality, disability, and the general sense of belonging that plagues our existence.

“Sexuality” by Robert McRuer

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“Sexuality” by Robert McRuer, selected from “Keywords for Disability Studies”

Summary:

McRuer begins by acknowledging that the word “sexuality” is already intertwined with words like “freakish” and “abnormal”. He introduces Michel Foucault’s concept of the “cures” and “visibility” of sexuality as a system of control, often to obtain a sense of normalcy or correction. McRuer then compares Foucault’s views of “sexuality” as being similar to “ability” and what resulted in sexuality being pathologized, or specifically linked to a disability. McRuer acknowledges that sexuality is a social construction, which brought out the emergence of heteronormativity and ableism. Because the two were so linked, McRuer talks about how homosexuality led to “feebleminded” diagnoses and stricter regulation for control. He bridges the link between an “abnormal” sexuality being caused by illness or disability, which creates the conception that people who are disabled have an excessive sexuality. These two “excessive” notions led to violent treatments, misinformation about both sexuality and disability, and eventual ruling by the Supreme Court for sterilization. McRuer discusses a shift in the 20th-century from excessive sexuality and disability to the notion that people with disabilities are without sexuality at all. He mentions the link between poor and people of color being seen as “excessive” while white and middle-class are seen as “without” sexuality. Following this, he talks about the idea of people with disabilities having alternate sexual experiences outside of what was understood, which leads into modern day rebellion of both “excessive”, “innocent” and “alternative” sexuality. McRuer ends with discussing the efforts of disability activists against prior notions, and the acknowledgement that efforts are still ongoing and a source of conflict for the modern day person with disabilities.

Quote Bank:

“…in other words, sexuality was endlessly talked about, managed, pathologized, and (often) “corrected” ” (167).

“In 1927, for instance, the U.S. Supreme Court famously ruled that Carrie Buck, who had been deemed “feebleminded” and institutionalized for “incorrigible” and “promiscuous” behavior and who became pregnant after being raped, must be compulsorily sterilized” (168).

“Disabled people often have been discursively constructed as incapable of having sexual desires or a sexual identity, due to their supposed “innocence” ” (168).

Reflection:

In all of my academic studies I have come to understand that if there is one thing that white men love to do, it is to control others. The author does a fantastic job at digging into the intertwined history of sexuality and disability and how they cannot truly be analyzed without the other. The pathologization of sexuality as a disability is in itself offensive, but it also gives the people in power the ability to declare someone “of unsound mind” and to strip them of all autonomy altogether. The development of the “correctional” treatments like shock therapy or sterilization was an inhumane way to tell people with disabilities that they had no choice in life, not even a choice to love and be loved without it being controlled. The case of Carrie Buck is not new to me, and I am fully aware that sterilizations like this continue to the present day. Often people assume that if someone has a severe disability, whether of the body or mind, others assume that the person is “too disabled” to have desires to seek out relationship, sexual or romantic. This concept is widespread enough that growing up and seeing people in wheelchairs or people with Down Syndrome in relationships was a televised phenomena, including shows like “Little People, Big World”. Episodes of medical dramas are committed to showing people with disabilities who are in relationships as “strange” or just straight up ill, especially if the other partner is not disabled. But I chose this chapter specifically because I was curious about the idea that people with disabilities are often seen as “innoccent” or “lacking sexuality”. There is a modern day movement to take back sex and sexuality for people with disabilities, not in an excessive or alternative notion like the text discusses prior, but as a sort of “this is me” kind of mentality. But I wanted to address a very specific point of tension within the disabled community on the base of sexuality. While there is a danger of being “too loud” (read: excessive), or “too kinky” (read: alternative), there is an even finer line between the concept of innocence or being without sexuality. Specifically, there is a subgroup of the asexual community who have an inner struggle of recognizing their sexuality (asexuals being people who experience no sexual attraction) and being ostracized. On one end, the LGBT community will always look at them as “disabled”, and sometimes not in a positive context, but the disabled community, especially those fighting to be recognized as sexual, look at them at perpetuating the “innocent/without” stereotype. So not only do people with disabilities walk a fine line to even be recognized as human at times, but they are also often denied their true lives, living and loving who they want because there is even added pressure being LGBT+ and disabled.

Citation:

Adams, R., Reiss, B., & Serlin, D. (Eds.). (2015). Keywords for disability studies. “Sexuality”. McRuer, R.