brokenness

“Unbroken: Alice Sheppard’s Revelations in Dance”

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Title and Author: “So. Not. Broken” by Alice Sheppard, from Disability Visibility

Objective Summary: 

Alice Sheppard begins her short autobiographical piece “So. Not. Broken” from Disability Visibility by sharing a joke with her physical therapist as she arrives at an appointment. “I’m broken”, she says, but it has nothing to do with her disability (182). As a choreographer and dancer, Alice is used to living with a degree of physical brokenness, but not in the way her nondisabled audiences may immediately assume. “Many nondisabled people attribute a degree of brokenness to disability”, she writes, adding “it arises from the medicalization of our bodyminds” (182). For Alice, learning how to dance involved figuring out her body through the mechanics of her crutches, and her chair, as well as without them, leading her to new capabilities in performance. To Alice, the chair is a part of her body, because it becomes part of her embodied space, in dance and in daily life. She shares that her perspectives in dance were not just those of a disabled person; but also of a woman, and of a black woman; and she believes all of these intersections of identity impact embodied experiences in real ways. The “expressive capacity of bodies”, Alice writes, is surely enhanced by a variety of embodied forms, and she admits her new approach to the body as a whole gives her hope for a bright career future.

Quotations: 

  1. “My very first problem as a dancer was figuring out my chair. I had to learn how to move in it, of course, but I also had to understand what it meant as a black woman to use a chair onstage, in the studio, and in the world”. (page 183)
  1. “When I discovered the concept of embodiment—a word I use to describe the way in which my body takes shape and form—I made another breakthrough: My chair is my body.” (page 183)
  1. “My crutches and chair are not tools that compensate for my impairment. Nor are they simply devices that I use for traveling across the studio. I understand these starting points as embodiments, each of which has different movement possibilities.” (pages 183-184)

Takeaways and Reflection:

Clearly, Alice is speaking as someone with lived experience in multiple marginalized identities, and she centralizes the way those intersect in her life through her dance and stage performance career. The narrative does meander a little to fill in the details of her personal life, but one main claim she makes is that although brokenness and disability are affiliated through the medicalization of the American bodymind, this is both a harmful and inaccurate connotation which should be abandoned. It’s evident through Alice’s experience as a choreographer that mobility assistance devices are also a part of embodied selves, and can absolutely participate in the dance. In fact, she proposes that these devices can even expand the creative experience of dancers once integrated into routines. Alice’s narrative of her journey towards a greater self-understanding could be useful to many disabled and nondisabled in her audience, especially to those that might feel drawn towards athletic pursuits. At the end of the day, everyone must accept their body as it comes, because looking at the self as a lesser version of another person just seeds feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing.

In Sickness and In Difference

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(I apologize in advance but I am doing two essays. I figured a few of us might choose one of them, but I still wanted to give my thoughts on it!)

CW: Sex toys

Keisha Scott’s “Last but Not Least- Embracing Asexuality”

Jamison Hill’s “Love Means Never Having to Say… Anything”

“Love Means Never Having to Say… Anything” begins with Jamison Hill’s desire to say “I love you” to his partner, Shannon. Hill recounts the times when he thought he was in love with previous partners, when he could still speak and have conversations with them, before defining his condition of myalgic encephalomyelitis, a condition that keeps him bedridden and unable to speak. Hill continues by speaking about how he had met Shannon and how their shared condition turned into a relationship, and how that relationship between two sick people can be just as good as a relationship between a sick person and a healthy person. He talks about the way they take care of each other and share their lives together without vocal conversation and he ends with his painful attempt to vocalize his love. The essay finishes with his failed attempt, but Shannon’s understanding of what he wanted to say.

“Last but Not Least- Embracing Asexuality” begins with Keisha Scott’s recounting of always being the last person to hit milestones. From her blindness, to getting her period late, Scott tells of how she felt different from everyone around her, but she desperately wanted to be a woman. She continues with talking about how all of her friends were interested in children, boys, and having sex, being jealous of the attention that her friends got from men, and the desire to gain respect by finally becoming a woman via getting her period. She talks about how she had started by conforming to gender norms for women but was still late in the process, how she first experienced desire to when she first saw porn and masturbated. Scott recalls being disillusioned with the concept of sex, how nothing felt right and that she took a while to understand the sensation of sex. Scott then talks about buying sex toys, dodging questions about sex and relationships, and feeling a “wrongness” that she didn’t align to societal norms. Scott continues by talking about how she took a course on feminism and sexuality and how a conversation about sexuality and disability made her to begin questioning the meaning of “asexuality”. Scott ends the essay by researching asexuality, finding peace in the narratives she read and explaining that she has no desire for sex or children, contrary to what the world around her says.

Quote Bank:

“When we are together, we spend weeks in bed, mostly holding each other, our bodies aligned like two pieces of broken plate glued back together” (Hill, 263)

“These failed romances remind me of the baffling incompatibilities two people can have, but also how love can transcend even the most insurmountable obstacles when you find the right person” (Hill, 264).

“I had never thought about it like that- the possibility of two sick people being in a successful relationship together” (Hill, 265).

“I started to read more on asexuality, read personal stories of others- both disabled and able-bodied – who were completely fine: some were married, some had kids, some have sex once in a blue moon, some have never had sex, some were single” (Scott, 127).

“I already faced discrimination and ableist views from society in so many other ways; I couldn’t bear it if my sexuality ended up being determined by my disability” (Scott, 127).

Reflection:

I chose to do two analyses because I identified so strongly with one, but I also understand that it might be a popular choice in our cohort. So firstly, I will talk about Jamison Hill’s “Love Means Never Having to Say… Anything”. There is a societal pressure that in relationships, certain things *have* to be performed. A romantic first kiss, a declaration of love, a passionate urgency in the early stages that gets rekindled over time. I think that Hill does a great job in subverting these expectations through his writing of his relationship with Shannon. He acknowledges that kissing next to your expended body fluids is not the most romantic thing, but for two sick people, it works because there is a mutual understanding of illness. He might not be able to vocally say “I love you”, but the ways in which they take care of each other are acts of love in themselves, not needing to be spoken aloud. As someone who is a hopeful romantic, I understand to the depth of his definition of “two broken plates glued back together”. There is a fascination with perfection in relationships as well, everything has to appear perfect at all times to the world because no one should know if you have tension in your relationship. However, Hill defines the two of them as broken plates, something deemed by society as “apart”, but together they are “whole”. While they might not be “broken” in the same way, it is through that brokenness that they find wholeness together. The art of *kinstugi*, or repairing broken pottery with gold, allows the artist to highlight the brokenness through something beautiful, and I think that is exactly what Hill has done in this essay. He has taken the brokenness and uniqueness of two people and shown how together, their love and understanding is so beautiful it is beyond words or expectations.

“Last But Not Least- Embracing Asexuality” is one of the most relatable pieces of writing I have read all year. Aside from being blind, the bulk of Scott’s essay was a reflection of my own experience with having chronic illness and discovering my sexuality. As a whole, Scott talks about the dual struggle of being different from her blindness, but then also not having the same feelings and desires as her peers. I have written about the concept of asexuality and disability before, but I will reiterate the point that those who identify as asexual are even more likely to be ostracized in the spaces they occupy. For one, if they are in heteronormative spaces, it is possible they will be ostracized for being disabled. But in disabled spaces, where people with disabilities have fought to be seen as regular sexual beings, asexuals are more likely to be ostracized for not pushing the sexual narrative. There is a unique difficulty that presents itself in these spaces as is, but to have a sense of dual-difference is even more challenging. Despite all of this, I cannot help but feel so validated in Scott’s narrative that she created. In a world that is simultaneously so sex-forward but prudish towards the expression of sexuality, to have any sort of dual-identity with asexuality can be a very lonely process. I can certainly identify with her finding peace in the stories that she read of other asexuals, and it brings me peace to read her narrative. From a disability studies standpoint, I would absolutely recommend anyone studying the intricacies of intersectionality to read this essay. It does a fantastic job at weaving together the truths of gender performance, societal expectations, sexuality, disability, and the general sense of belonging that plagues our existence.