Hello Reader,
I’m currently laying in bed with my leg propped up on the Continuous Passive Motion (CPM for short) Machine. If you didn’t know I underwent ACL Reconstruction surgery (again) because my ligaments just suck at their job (and I mess around too much according to my family).
According to my father who spoke to the doctor after surgery (while I was drugged up) the doctor discovered a little more hindrances along the way: I have arthritis, part of my bone was chipped off in my knee (don’t know where that went), I don’t really have much menisci or cartilage left in my knee.
And as my dad is telling me this (while Im still kinda drugged up) all I can think about is “well that doesn’t sound good.”
My surgery was on Friday, August 17th; now fast forward two days (aka today) and I’m laying in a machine that oscillates my knee from zero to sixty degrees, haven’t showered in the past two days and pretty sure all my hair is falling off from the oil my head is producing.
Since I’m no longer on drugs I can finally think to myself…”Maybe I’m making a big deal of my hindrances and it’s not as bad as it seems OR maybe my hindrances are actually worse than they seem”; in all honesty I’m not sure how to approach this situation.
Here’s a little insight on the type of person I am (if you don’t really know me that well): People consider me an active person…and I love trying new things and when I do a task, I’m going perform that task with EVERYTHING in my body. I hate sitting around and feeling useless when I know I could be doing something productive or useful in the world.
Now I’m not saying that my situation is worse than others (because people have their own demons and battles to fight) but I’m going to be frank, this situation that I’m in makes me depressed.
I already promised my family I won’t play soccer anymore (because thats what got me in this situation) but I do have this thing called a “Life List” it’s similar to a Bucket List (except less gruesome and morbid) and on my life list I had “Run a Marathon” because I always admired people who ran 23 miles (because that is a tough race) and wanted to be one of those people who ran a race that intense.But now in the state that I’m in…I’m mentally scared and I’m physically hindered and I don’t want to be in my thirties unable to walk because I practically have no more knees. 
As a Christian I believe that “God made each and every individual with a purpose” and everyday I feel like my faith is growing and being tested. I’m excited to see what the future holds and what my purpose in this world will be, but how does two ACL surgeries and arthritis at 19 years old play a role in that? It doesn’t quite make sense to me…but then again Proverbs 3:5-6 says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”
It kinda feels like this at the moment: you want to be able to do this thing, but you cant because no ones giving you a chance to do it.
So I guess in a way it’s just a waiting game…I just hope I can still be given a chance.
Lots of Love,
Kate