There is one voice that goes unappreciated in a baseball stadium. Not the announcer. You never see him. He’s as memorable as a train boarding call:
“Now approaching, this is a 9-car Pittsburg/Bay Point bound train.”
“Now approaching the plate is number 47.”
No, this voice is special. It comes from the purest emotional and spiritual roots of baseball culture. It’s all around you– loud, very loud, and even louder. It’s the vivacious cheering a row behind you that spatters a beer blessing on the back of your neck, it’s that man-in-a-jersey finding his seat by elongating words in ways we didn’t know were possible: “GARY, SARAH WHERE ARE YOU?”
This voice creates a comfort and it creates a culture, it sets a standard for how games are meant to be and for how fans are meant to behave. We need this voice to fill the silences with its screams and laughs and come-ons. We need this voice to inspire our laughter, fuel our second-hand embarrassment, and to toughen us against offensive commentary. We need this voice to make us proper baseball fans.
This is the voice of Drunk Fan.
He’s our greatest asset. The deserving, yet under-recognized champion of baseball stadiums. Drunk Fan makes baseball matter and Drunk Fan makes baseball fun.
And Drunk Fan is a beautiful specimen. He has elegant apparel: Red jerseys, white jerseys, red, white and blue AMERICA jerseys. His breath smells refreshing from his carbonated, hops-infused mouthwash. His signature movement–stumbling– is so iconic that football fused Fan and Stumble to name a play the fumble. Baseball has not yet graced Drunk Fan with a personalized play name, but it can’t be long now.
Slurred speech, constant laughter, unexpected shouting, one of Drunk Fan’s many claims to fame is his self-made, distinctive speech style. No one talks quite like Drunk Fan. He is a wordsmith.
With women:
“Hey girl, as a baseball fan, I know my way around the bases.”
With the umpire:
“UMPIRE? MORE LIKE DUMB-PIRE”
Drunk Fan memorized all 84 baseball quotes from pickupline.net, though he’s partial to those mentioning third base, which he uses on nearby women, for if Drunk Fan is anything, he’s inclusive. And his talent for poetic wit, his demonstrated superiority over the umpires convinced Drunk Fan to knight himself leader and sole member of the stadium’s heckling association.
And Drunk Fan is multifaceted. A master of dance, of eating, and of course, of drinking.
Drunk Fan’s day begins when he tastefully downs the remnants of last night’s Nectar de Rainier. Its bubble-free texture flows smoothly down his throat, preparing him for the day to come.
Later, Drunk Fan gathers with fellow drunk fans in the parking lot, and they feast on the finest food in the land: cylinder of roasted meat placed on delicate toasted bun, with essence of tomato drizzled on its surface. A delicacy sometimes referred to as “hot dog.” Drunk Fan and his colleagues rinse their mouths with an iced nectar of bud’s light and weiser.
In the stadium, Drunk Fan staggers his way to the bar, where he shall remain until the bartender sends him away on a quest titled “sobriety.”
On his quest, Drunk Fan journeys through lands of concrete stairs and plastic chairs, where aisles are doused in beer and peanut shells and wafts of barbecue and pretzel hang in the air like fog. Here he must face many temptations. Silver wrapped hot dogs fly into his eager, drooling mouth. The irresistible voice of David Bowie forces Drunk Fan to swing his arms in dad-dance fashion, a style exclusive to dads and Drunk Fan.
And then, there is the greatest temptation of all. Drunk fan’s favorite part of the game, the mascot. Drunk fan must hug Mascot. Drunk Fan must take selfie with Mascot. Drunk fan must reveal passionate love to Mascot.
Drunk fan must become mascot.
Drunk Fan would be the ultimate mascot. There are countless similarities between him and the current mascot. Mascot has an oversized head and enormous eyes; Drunk Fan has an impressive ego and dilated pupils! Mascot’s body is covered in fur; Drunk Fan has never shaved! And Mascot moves with slow, exaggerated movements; Drunk Fan’s vision is delayed by alcohol consumption so everything is in slow motion!
So, Drunk Fan and Mascot are the same! Except, Drunk Fan goes one step further, has one quality that makes him the better and the rightful mascot. For, Drunk Fan, unlike Mascot, can speak.
Imagine the power of a mascot with speech. Imagine the heightened degree of influence he would have. Drunk Fan could lead his fellow fans towards a heightened version of life, one of constant intoxication. Drunk Fan understands the true purpose of sports, the only true enjoyment in life: drinking! That’s why alcohol exists, he says, to get drunk!
Imagine how he could expand his empire– lead the crowd in chants against the umpire: “Dumb-pire! Dumb-pire!”, how he could employ others to join him, spouting pickup lines at every living female they encounter. Imagine how many more women could be reached, could be blessed with his cute baseball poetics.
Imagine the rumble of the crowd. Thousands of feet stumbling and staggering through the concourse, dance mobs forming with each Bowie song. Drunk Fan is an innovator and it is high time the world implemented his superior lifestyle. So, Drunk Fan abandons his quest of sobriety and demands to be mascot. With Drunk Fan as mascot, the change starts now.
Only, there’s a problem.
The other mascot, the ‘real’ mascot, still exists. This adorable, sober mascot is healthier than ever and with no plans to retire. It’s a real shame, Drunk Fan quite liked Mascot, but alas Drunk Fan has no choice, the change must come.
Drunk Fan must kill Mascot.
As great rulers have often done, Drunk Fan must do what is necessary for the greater good. As fans, we need Drunk Fan to lead us towards happiness and baseball needs Drunk Fan to preserve its traditional values: alcoholism and shared anger. ‘Community.’
And so, Drunk Fan rallies the fans.
Today is a day of glory. Today is a day we’ll hold in our minds for eternity, a day we’ll recall in our sleep and share with our children, a day that will change our world, that will align us with the proper lifestyles to be successful baseball fans. Today we drink, today we drink some more, and today we kill.
It is a good murder, one that will allow us a proper leader. One that isn’t cute or fuzzy or useless. Finally, starting today and henceforth, our leader will guide us to drink big, to eat a lot, and to speak our minds. Today we prosper, today we change baseball.
And with that, the mascot shall be beat, restrained, and dragged to the batting cages to await his fate.
If you would like to participate in the murder, please join us at noon on March 16th at Viking Field. Let us clear a path for Drunk Fan to achieve the greatness he has always deserved.
All hail Drunk Fan.
Note: Bats will be provided for the murder and beers will be served afterwards in a celebratory tailgate.