Can you imagine what a life without assumptions would look like? This is probably my favorite of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Years ago, when I first read this chapter, I became aware of the large number of assumptions I made in my daily interactions. Ruiz points out the fear based behavior related to assumptions and demonstrates the problems that result in our life and relationships when we make assumptions. From that point forward it became clear to me this was another agreement worth adopting.

Ruiz begins his exploration of assumptions by suggesting that when we make them, we believe they are true. This makes sense. However, to clarify his statement I would expand on the topic by noting humans make different types of assumptions.

We make some assumptions because we don’t have enough information about a situation to move forward. In order to proceed we fill in some of the gaps with assumptions. We may be aware that some of these assumptions aren’t accurate, and perhaps we even intend to seek clarification later. However, in the situation it is the best we can do, so we proceed to act based on these assumptions.

Other assumptions we make are without intention. For example, imagine you need to use a public restroom in an unfamiliar location. As you approach the doors, you see a woman coming out of one restroom and a man entering the other. Most likely we assume that the gender assignment of the restrooms matches the people we see using them and consequently choose which one to enter. Although this example is slightly contrived, it represents the assumptions people constantly make and act upon with very little awareness or intent on ensuring their truth. Notice that in both cases, however, we essentially think our assumptions are true and take action based on these beliefs.

Ruiz also points out the reason people make assumptions is because they are afraid to ask for clarification. I think the essence of this idea is also accurate, which I will elaborate on slightly. In some cases, this fear may be obvious to the person making the assumption. Imagine you are in class and fail to understand something the professor explained. Everyone else in class seemed to grasp the concept as if it were simple. Naturally, it would be easy to feel embarrassed to ask for clarification in front the entire class, so making an assumption about what the professor said is easier.

In other cases, the fear may be hidden under layers of societal norms that we aren’t aware of. Going back to the restroom example, imagine you see someone with a masculine appearance entering the women’s restroom. You may be wondering whether the lady just has an unfortunate appearance or if you need to call security. Would you ask, “Excuse me, are you a lady? I’m not sure you are entering the correct restroom.” Most likely, we would not ask for such clarification because it is considered rude to insult people, and questioning a person’s gender may be interpreted as such. The fear of breaking these norms or upsetting the person stops us from asking. As a result, it’s much easier to make an assumption.

So, what could possibly go wrong from making assumptions we believe to be true because we are afraid to ask for clarification?

Ruiz points out a couple of the major problems that result. In relationships it is common for people to assume that their partner understands them and their needs. Furthermore, either person in a relationship may assume the other has similar goals or ideas about how the relationship is supposed to work. Yet, without discussing these topics or sharing our thoughts with our partner, it is easy for these assumptions to be wrong and as a result create frustration or anger when our partner behaves out of line with what we assumed.

Furthermore, we can create personal suffering if we make false assumptions about ourselves. Perhaps we assume we can accomplish certain tasks or perform well in a particular situation. Maybe in a new relationship with a troubled person we think “my love can change this person.” Whatever the case, when it turns out not to be true, it is easy to feel discourage or upset with ourselves for failing to fulfill the assumption. More likely though, we haven’t taken the time to assess ourselves or the situation by asking the right questions to get clarification about it.

What’s the solution? Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Communicate clearly. If you don’t understand something, ask questions to find out instead of assuming. Once you know the truth no assumptions will be necessary, and the results can transform your life and relationships with others. Maybe now it is easier to see what a life without assumptions would look like. You don’t just have to imagine it though; if you choose to take action you can live it, as well.