Category: Netherlands

Returning to Salvation Army, Claudia’s passing

by cookea2

Content statement: This article contains themes of death

Volunteering at Salvation Army this week has been significantly easier than last time. There’s less frustration, and hostility from the customers. I’m able to pick up their orders much easier and work much faster. However, There was, and still is a significant communication barrier with people consistently getting frustrated or trying to take advantage of my lack of understanding. Last week, I was trying my best to understand the layout of the new kitchen, and the workflow observing hundreds of people per hour. I’m now feeling more confident in leading the team, even and helping guide them, but it is not without a heavy heart.

Another person in the community passed away a few day’s previous, Claudia. This is about a week after Lazlow. And such a short time frame, it led people at Salvation Army to theorize why, as there is with any death in the community. They are left to grieve for her, but also their own situation. It’s times of loss, where it leads people become grateful for what they have. But when you’re in a significantly vulnerable population with no housing, no food security and no shelter, it can seem impossible. And lead many to wonder ‘am I next?’. I can’t imagine carrying that amount of weight to consistently. I am already struggling with accommodation for this project and support, but know that there is a security blanket If need be.

In Salvation Army specifically, there is a lot of immigrants that come through. One of the workers, being his first time here, explained that he spoke with the guy said was his last day. He mentioned having no support, no job, etc. I could see the weight on the volunteer shoulders as he was explaining this to me. He asked me or even just was saying in general I don’t know how to help him and I said that sometimes it is just communicating and listening as I’m sharing something with you. I may not seem like much but it’s something all we can do and it is sometimes more than a lot of other people do . The people in the shift have never done this before, just being done by the stories they were hearing.Seeing how much it affected them after just a few hours, I started to see how it affects me doing this almost every day. It can be exhausting, draining working in these environments , let alone living in them. , I can’t even imagine how exhausting it is carrying this lack of stability around constantly, or having having that pit in your stomach when people leave, wondering if they will show up next time.

Because of the last couple days, I am feeling burned. Helping out at NOIZ for over nine hours, getting back at midnight, and then showing up at 8:30 AM To salvation. With the significant communication, barrier, and lack of willingness to share, maybe because I’m outside and also female, it also leads to less opportunities to hear from them.

First time at Jacobikerk, Honoring Laszlo

by cookea2

Content statement: This article contains themes of death


I want to help serve, I want to chat, but it seems extremely difficult to communicate. Even so it feels today should not be the day. I feel intrusive, almost as if should not be there. Today is a celebration of Laslo, a long-standing member, and a cherishished voice in the homeless community.


I am now sitting where they make funeral preparations for Laszlo. To see the care, and the attention to detail, there is not a dry in the house. The pain in their eyes is prominent, the strength of their community, the love for the people that go there. I can understand a bit, but there is such a disconnect. I want to understand the intricacies. There is laughter and moments of reminiscing, breaking up the tension, but as a silence heads, the weight is immense. It is moments like this in my project. That will be the hardest, because I as an outsider language, and in general reach a barrier that I don’t know if I can get past. I am trying, but it is like a transcript. I don’t have the technology to read, the ink battle. I just go here a place of understanding, but in these older spaces, and long-term care, it seems I would have an issue they don’t speak English, really, only Dutch, I can use Google Translate and we can converse that way, but even then, there will be things that will be lost.

when you were not an native speaker, I can understand how different it can be to immigrate and be a part of the culture. Especially when you cannot communicate, nor understand. You just sit there, waiting for it to click, find some remnants in a language, that you know but it never does.

Art

by cookea2

‘Self-Reliance’

In my artwork, “self Reliance,” I explore the transformative journey of self-discovery and empowerment. This piece delves into the theme of shedding preconceived notions and expectations instilled in us and the process of learning to rely on our inner strength when external support is no longer available

The central image of a young girl holding what appears to be her mother’s hand is a symbol of the initial stages of life, where we rely heavily on external guidance, love, and support. Yet, the hand she holds belongs to her older self. This creative twist underscores the theme of evolving from a state of dependency to one of self-reliance even when the dependancy might not want to falter on either side.

Through this artwork, I invite the viewer to reflect on their own path towards self-reliance and personal growth. We all carry with us the weight of past beliefs and societal expectations, and the process of breaking free from them can be challenging. However, the image of the little girl and her older self serves as a beacon of hope and inspiration, encouraging us to embrace the wisdom within, foster self-reliance, and trust our inner compass.

‘Birthday Blues’

In my artwork, “Birthday Blues,” I wanted to encapsulate the feeling of “birthday blues.” This term captures the mixed feelings that often come with birthdays when our reality doesn’t quite match the expectations we had in mind. The piece features a cake placed inside a well-worn Converse shoe, symbolizing the transition from youth to adulthood and how this transformation can sometimes fall short of our youthful dreams.

The phrase “birthday blues” refers to the complex emotions that can arise as a birthday approaches or unfolds. It’s a time for self-reflection, where we reassess our lives and grapple with the gap between our youthful aspirations and the actual circumstances we find ourselves in. “Birthday Blues” visually embodies this concept, encouraging viewers to think about their own experiences and how their expectations have evolved as they’ve moved from adolescence to adulthood.

‘Reality of the expat’

In my artwork, you’ll find a woman shedding tears set against a backdrop of a tranquil waterfall scene. This image captures the mixed feelings of expatriates in the Netherlands, where the beautiful surroundings and warm culture can sometimes hide the fact that they often feel isolated and lonely.

The Dutch culture is known for its stunning landscapes and friendly people. However, for expats, it’s not always as idyllic as it seems. The woman’s tears represent the emotional challenges they face. The peaceful waterfall picture represents the beauty that draws expats to the Netherlands. The contrast between this serenity and the woman’s tears shows the emotional ups and downs of living abroad.

Isolation for expats is common because Dutch society can be insular. While the Dutch are welcoming, building deep connections can be hard, especially when language and cultural barriers are involved. Expats might feel captivated by the country’s external charm but struggle to make meaningful connections and feel like they belong.

This artwork encourages us to think about the emotional side of expat life. It’s a portrayal of the hidden challenges that expats go through, even in a beautiful country like the Netherlands. The woman’s loneliness shows the inner battles that many expats face, despite the welcoming atmosphere.

Invited to the dinner of Twelve

by cookea2

One of the pastors at Jacobikerk, Floris, invited me to the dinner at 12, a once a month, free event for people to have a three course meal, sit and chat about their own journey and reflections. I did feel quite bad, because they did a lot of English translation for me, and that made people kind of uncomfortable, but it was really valuable to hear their perspectives and kind of where they’ve come from it.

Little drawing that One of the guests at the dinner drew in my book as I was sketching the table

I really like the map exercise because they’re able to pick three points and which one you feel right now is current to yourself and reflecting on it.

Quick sketch of the outlay of the table of 12

I wasn’t able to do interviews or kind of meet people about their project, but I did get the opportunity to volunteer at Salvation Army, and connect with another individual that works with Anya. I also got lots of information consistently from the different people at the organization about the surrounding supports around. One of the people that I met at the organization has been giving me tours around and introducing me to people for my project. I really found value in trying to connect with people in this organization because they have been homeless themselves and they know what supports are available for their own community and give back to it.

Personal Interview: Marcel

by cookea2

Content statement: This interview contains themes of physical violence

“ The thing is, you cannot blame somebody for being homeless, it can even happened to you.”

On my first day at Jacobikerk, I met Marcel, who greeted me with an eager smile and a story he was excited to share. Having seen him around Utrecht the following weeks, his openness made an immediate impression. The following week, as I returned, we chose a quiet bench outside the church. It was a peaceful spot that allowed for a more intimate conversation, yet it still felt a bit intrusive with the lack of privacy and interruptions from fellow members. I could sense a bit reluctance from him as well, but that quickly dissipated once they left. With not much time, he leaped right into it with almost not enough time for me to process.

“I’m not a saint but I’m not a criminal as well”, he clarified. “I was 17, homeless for 30 years, when I left my parents home. The reason was, my father was an alcoholic and he used to beat me up every time when he was drunk. And I got used to after 10 years, getting beaten. You don’t feel it anymore, but the trigger, why I left my parents home was because he hit my mother so hard, she ended up in the hospital. So I decided to be homeless. I took a bag of clothes and that’s it. No job, no social money from the government and I had really nothing. So that’s how it started, and after 30 years, I had my own apartment and I still have it.”

I then asked him how was able to receive it as in Utrecht specifically, there is an enormous housing shortage. “I was lucky” he stressed. “When you want to rent a house the regular way, you’ll have to wait 10 to 15 years”. I asked what people do in the meantime, when there is such a long wait time, and the weather here is quite severe. “You have to stay in the city where you have asked for an apartment. You have to go to the house corporation, wait and [have] patience, but when you’re homeless, you don’t have that time. so I [got] help from housing first, and housing for us is especially for people that are long-term homeless like me. I was homeless for like 30 years. If you meet those people, you have to wait like three months, and you get an apartment”.

Curious to hear his perspective, I opened up about my mixed feelings regarding the Housing First approach. While I initially saw it as the solution, many interviews had highlighted the potential risks, especially for those struggling with addiction, which made me question its overall effectiveness. “I had to come, and I was really addicted to a lot of substances as well. But I’m clean now because I have a girlfriend in Kenya; and of course my apartment keeps myself clean because I have my rest place now. I can put my stuff there without being afraid that it’s getting stolen. I have my rest. When I want to go to bed, I can just go to bed. It’s much different than the time [from when] I was homeless. I have more than just unrest in my life, so I don’t need the drugs anymore”.

I wanted to clarify if it was from the strong sense of support he was able to gain, made him quit to which he agreed. “But when I was homeless, it  [kept] me standing up. It was a difficult time, and drugs could kill all the stress. Most of the homeless people are addicted, but it doesn’t say that all homeless people are addicted. There are still exceptions.” I tried to ask him more of what it was like was on the streets, and how it has changed from his perception; but could sense deep reluctance, and decided not to push further. As similar to Seattle, I noticed that it would take a stronger relationship to develop the trust for him to share his story. The following week, he invited me to a walking tour around Utrecht. I was able to see his personal journey with other individuals in the social service industry.

Marcel is also extremely proud of his city and the way that they have handled homelessness. Having been here over a month now, I agree. “First of all, this country is better than any other country in the world. Because this country takes care of the homeless people especially this city. When you go to a Amsterdam, you will see that it’s not like here”. Having been to Amsterdam, the smell, the distance, just the structure is much less integrated. “There are more homeless people in Amsterdam and they don’t have enough places for them, that’s the point. Here, it’s enough everybody can have a bed in the night. And the government helps those people. If you are homeless., you get money from the government.. that’s the best because any other country, we don’t have that.”

write about after the tour recordings.

Personal Interview: Bea

by cookea2

Content statement: This article contains themes of loss and sexual violence. Names have also been changed for the purposes of this interview.

“They said ‘you can try to be another Bea, you can do this. You are a strong woman.”

I had first met Bea at Jacobikerk, also known as Saint James’ Church, during one of their Monday morning gatherings. From 9 to 11 a.m., the church offers free bread and tea, creating a warm space for people to connect, especially those having faced difficult circumstances. After weeks of brief encounters I returned, noticing Bea at other community events throughout Utrecht as well. That following day, she finally found the time to sit down and talk with me.

As we walked into a quiet room to conduct the interview, I noticed a few mason jars sitting on the table filled with little slips of paper. She mentioned they were affirmations that people could bring home during difficult times. “You can take one home”, she said. And so I did, with one currently sitting on my nightstand as a memento.

At the beginning of the interview, she was deeply apologetic for her English grammar, which never seemed to phase me. “I’m a little tired because one week ago, I had the funeral [for the] father of my ex husband, Friday I [had] the funeral [for] the sister of  father of my ex-husband; and the week earlier on Thursday the funeral of Laslo. Three funerals two weeks time. Yesterday I wrote my poetry.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “With my feelings, I write poetry. The feeling of your body you can write on paper. Yesterday we had a poetry day here in Utrecht and I was the third in the top of three. I’m in the second one, and the first one, the big prize, had my name but it was a different person” she laughed.

“My youth has many troubles, I live[d] with a group.” Because of how difficult her childhood was, she did not feel comfortable divulging more details of her background, so we quickly moved on. “I’m Bea, I’m 45 years old, I have lived here [for] 2 years in Nieuwegein. Before, I lived in Utrecht for 8 years. From 2009 to 2013/14 I [became] homeless because my divorce was hard and difficult. I was homeless [from] sleeping place to sleeping place and I was scared [of] people. Everyday I was crying and calling the police [for] attention. On the street for a lady [it] is hard because most [men are]touching you, raping, and police, they do nothing. That was hard for me because I am going to the hospital asking for help because I was raped many times. I think, two to three times per week, and that [was] almost 6 years long.” She mentioned how there were many days she was left unable to eat.

“In 2013, I [had] a crisis place in Worden. My crisis place was 3 months, and they said ‘you can stay longer, then we can find another place for you’. In 2013 at the end of the year, I [was] going to Waterstraat here on the corner and… I stay for 2 months.. Most of the time, [it] was [just] myself. [By] Monday, Tuesday you [begin to] have floor dishes. In 2014, 5th [of] January, I [could] stay for [a] long time in Guystraat and I lived for 1.5 years; with many things to learn. I ha[d] no trust in people. I was scared, [and I ran] away. [There were] troubles with my medications, trouble with people on the street. ‘You have a room, we have no room’ and you can stay there, we stay on street’. After 6 months I have an appointment to talk with psychiatri[st].”

“They said ‘you can try to be another Bea, you can do this. You are a strong woman. We give you one week to try,’. And in one week, I had two appointments in the psychiatric hospital for homeless people and people who [need] a room. After one week[where I spent] most of the time speak[ing], I went to a daycare center,[where] I make tea, make the toilets clean. [Then] we go into a Botsch and we go see biographic plants. After a week, the police came back with the psychiatrist assistants and, after one year and 6 months I have my own place.. for me alone; through [the] mental healthcare organization De kea. It was difficult for me because I was there the whole time alone. After 6 months [I went ] to the church, and [started doing] activities: walking, [cycling], and church administration. After 6 years I’m going to my second apartment, where I live now in Nuiewehein. This place is for myself”. She said, elated. I asked her what she does now if she needs support. She said how there are many different services around for homeless people like Jacobikerk. “Sometimes if I have troubles I call my mother”. 

“But this is the first place you have for yourself, not provided for you” I clarified.

“Yes.”

I echoed what an amazing achievement that is, and asked what she is able to do for financial means, whether it be a job or social welfare program. ” The Haus of Army (Salvation Army),  I’m a volunteer here at( Jacobikerk) and I’m doing a lot for homeless people and churches. You have here in Utrecht, a silence center, and I’m an ambassador. Most of the time I’m everywhere and in the church. Tuesday I’m free, [the rest] of the week I work, self employed. A lot of what I do for the homeless people [is with] my own money. I don’t have a lot, but what I can, I do”.

Unwanted Attention: The Realities in Utrecht and Abroad

by cookea2

Since arriving in Utrecht, I’ve noticed a significant amount of attention, far more than I had initially anticipated. This heightened visibility has been a concern of mine, especially given my stutter and mild cerebral palsy, which make me walk and talk a bit differently. As a young woman, it has been somewhat overwhelming. In response to the influx of attention and to regain my equilibrium, I decided to take a slow week, reducing my outings for a couple of days.

However, even during a casual mid-afternoon walk to a family friend’s house, I found myself being stopped three times by strangers. This kind of interaction has become a recurring theme, whether it’s people on the street, individuals I’m interviewing for my project, friends, or even those I had hoped would serve as valuable mentors—all of them somehow veering towards romantic advances. Alternatively, there are instances when I go unnoticed entirely, even when I’m open to a simple, pleasant conversation. This week, I found myself taking a break and only scheduling one interview at SPAT. Balancing these extremes has proven to be quite challenging.

My initial decision to come to Europe was partially based on the belief that it would be beneficial for my project, and I might blend in more easily, thereby reducing the attention I’d attract compared to a country where I’d stand out even more. My distinctive way of speaking and moving already makes me stand out, but the added attention has left me feeling apprehensive. Meeting people here has proved to be quite the challenge. While people are generally friendly, they tend to have close-knit circles and typically only engage in conversation when approached. Establishing connections beyond mere pleasantries is exceedingly difficult unless there’s a romantic interest involved. Conversations with a girl from Dublin, someone from the UK, and locals all echoed the same sentiment.

This situation is somewhat surprising, considering how open and vibrant Utrecht is, with its charming canals, abundant restaurants, and people enjoying themselves late into the night. I had initially assumed it would be easy to integrate into the community. However, I quickly realized that resorting to methods like using Bumble Friends would be more effective in finding like-minded individuals.

Another challenge I faced was that while I was making connections, most of the people I met were somehow related to my project, and many of them were significantly older and often less stable. Due to safety concerns stemming from the attention I received during the day, going out to places like bars by myself seemed nearly impossible. Even when I found an older person whom I considered a good mentor and a tour guide, they would ask me uncomfortable questions whenever we hung out.

I recall a particular incident at the station where I was waiting for a friend for only 10 minutes, and a man approached me persistently, attempting to take me to “see the beautiful river” and exchanging numbers multiple times. It seemed that the only thing that could defuse such situations was when I was with someone else or walking towards them. Even a 15-minute walk back to my place after an interview resulted in uncomfortable advances.

Recently, I had a conversation with a local who mentioned that his friend, also an expat, had experienced similar frequent advances. While it was disheartening to hear, it was also reassuring to know that I wasn’t alone in this experience. It appears that people here currently see me as something to possess rather than someone with whom to share experiences.

When I traveled at a younger age, specifically at 15 or 16, this was the majority of the attention I received, primarily from older men. Interestingly, as I got older and reached 18, this kind of attention diminished significantly. It wasn’t because I dressed differently; if anything, I felt more comfortable in my own skin and appeared more desirable. However, it seemed that the innocence and naivety of youth were what attracted some individuals. I even noticed that when I wore some of my older clothes, I would attract significantly more attention than expected.

Here in Utrecht and the Netherlands, it seems to be the opposite. People tend to gravitate towards older women rather than younger ones, which is a bittersweet feeling. It’s a dynamic I didn’t expect to encounter as frequently. It felt like a preferable alternative, but I may need to accept that due to my differences, gender, or some other factor, this kind of attention is likely to persist. When I discussed this with a family friend, he suggested that it might not change, but I would like to find a middle ground and create an environment that feels less overwhelming. I am heading to Germany today and will be back in Utrecht at the beginning of November, so I’ll see where this journey leads me.