We have reached the end of the journey exploring the main ideas written about by Don Miguel Ruiz in The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements. It was hard to summarize these concepts in a condensed blog format. A more complete picture can be painted if you flipped through a hard copy of the book itself. These are not the only resources discussing these topics though.

Leo Buscaglia earned the nickname of “Dr. Love” at the University of Southern California when he started to teach a non-credit, non-graded class called “Love 1A.” The suicide of one of his students led him to realize there was something out of place with our educational system that is focused on stuffing people of full of knowledge while forgetting they are human.

At that time in the 1960s, no course of that type had been offered at any university in the country. Through his experiences growing up in an immigrant family, journeys of self-discovery throughout Asia, and his unique educational perspective, Buscaglia has many joyful, humorous, and touching stories to share. He has written many books highlighting this topic, one of which I read is Living, Loving, and Learning. Although the approach taken toward the subject matter is quite different than Ruiz’s, there are many overlaps in their themes and messages. The complement of these ideas work very well together.

Another author who may be more well-known is Eckhart Tolle. I encountered Tolle when reading A New Earth. This was his third book, the first two being less well-know until he appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show. Tolle experienced depression for much of his early life until having an inner transformation in his late twenties. Much of this transformation process appears to be related to the concepts that are discussed in his subsequent work. The ideas of being present and recognizing we have the power of choice resonate though his work, which are the themes I find in common among all of the authors.

Seeing these similar ideas in different contexts does a better job bringing them to life. A person can find more ways to relate to the concepts and notice the universality of their application. I believe exposure to such ideas is akin to experiencing the wisdom of an elder being passed on to one’s self. If the valuable part of making mistakes is to learn from them and avoid repeating them, then gaining wisdom from ideas like these is a catalyst in seeing such mistakes or avoiding them in the first place.

Exposure to such ideas has been a helpful part of my own journey in life. Perhaps it depends on one’s personality as to whether exploring these ideas is interesting or worthwhile. If these ideas or the thought of engaging with them seems irritating or pointless, I’d be very curious to know the motivations behind that expression and would be fascinated to learn the ways wisdom has presented itself in your life as a positive growth factor. I imagine rigorous scientific minds would be less apt to explore ideas like the ones mentioned here, preferring hard facts and confirmable evidence instead.

At the end of the day, I believe the most important part of our life’s journey is creating a world we look forward to living in, which includes having a future. The economic and political forces of our current times are very good at ruling the world with intelligence, but seem to lack in wisdom. Scientific advances that help us strip the earth’s resources faster, blow up larger patches of the planet more efficiently, permanently alter the composition of plant life and food materials, or generate larger quarterly returns by privatizing every conceivable sphere of life might be justified as a smart move from the perspective of making progress in some isolated way. However, taken as a whole I find it hard to see how many of these dynamics help with either creating a world we look forward to living in or that has a future. Increasing awareness and wisdom about life in a larger way should at least give us a better chance.

This is the final agreement outlined by Don Miguel Ruiz in The Four Agreements. As he points out, this is the agreement that makes the first three agreements possible. Additionally, this agreement can apply to any action one undertakes in life.

Ruiz notes that doing your best can change depending on the circumstances. Rather than representing a specific standard of performance that never changes, it recognizes that your best from moment to moment may not be the same. This is expected and embraced, so it is good to realize that making this agreement does not imply a lifetime of busyness and stress.

For example, if you are tired, sick, inebriated, or upset, doing your best in that moment will look different than when you are rested, happy, and healthy. In either case, if you are doing your best you can avoid the punishments from the Judge in your mind (see The Mastery of Love post for more details).

Specifically, if someone performs poorly at a task they may slip into a train of thought that they have failed and should feel guilty or ashamed. Perhaps that consequence is logical if we intentionally messed up or failed to accomplish a task because we weren’t trying. However, if you were doing your best than you have the true antidote and answer to the Judge when it tries to condemn you in the face of failure.

“I did my best.”

What more could be asked for? If you did your best than how could the outcome have been any different? If you did your best, forces outside of your control will be the remaining factors that stand to reason for what occurred. In that case, there is nothing else you could have done. There is no blame or guilt if something doesn’t turn out right. After all, you did your best.

The parable of a young Buddhist monk is used to expand on this idea. Seeking to transcend suffering, the student asked his master, “Master, if I meditate four hours every day, how long will it take me to become enlightened?”

The Master replied, “Probably 10 years.”

Thinking he could do better, the student asked, “What if I mediate eight hours every day. Then how long will it take?”

“Probably 20 years.”

Surprised, the student recounts, “Twenty years? Why will it take longer if I work harder?”

This fable relates to doing your best. Ultimately the master explains that if the student can do his best with fewer hours of meditation, then working harder is self-defeating. The student will grow tired, perform worse, and miss the point of meditation. Consequently, it would take longer to transcend. The goal of the student, and perhaps the purpose of life itself, is to enjoy life, feel love, and be happy. Therefore, if he can do his best with fewer hours of meditation then he will be closer to the goal.

Likewise, if we try to force a situation to be something it isn’t, or if we try to do more than our best, the extra effort is likely wasted and becomes a source of frustration. On the other hand, doing less than our best means we are not living life and taking the action necessary to turn our dreams into reality. Hence, doing one’s best is the perfect balance.

Ruiz distills the meaning of a living a full life into taking action. While a person may have many wonderful ideas, it is only by taking action that those ideas can manifest themselves into life. If we aren’t taking action, we are denying life. Furthermore, if we take action because we are freely choosing to complete a task, our personal experience and the rewards generated will be more powerful than acting out of obligation or for the sake of only earning rewards.

The example Ruiz gives is employees whose sole motivation for working is their paycheck. They hate their job and can’t wait for the weekend to do what they really want. Their intention for working is simply to pay the bills. Most likely they drink on the weekends to escape the misery and they don’t like their lives. Indeed, they will get paid, but it seems like working just for the reward in this case is never enough.

Compare this to taking action just for the sake of taking action. Without expecting a reward, it becomes natural to find enjoyment in the activities we perform. Rewards may still follow, however, since we are not motivated by these rewards it feels like a bonus and they will be greater than we hoped for.

This concludes a summary of the four agreements. Armed with this knowledge, you have the foundation for what the Toltec called the Mastery of Transformation. This is the ability to step outside the dream of the planet and transform your life into something greater. It is a lifelong journey likely filled with challenges and mistakes. However, doing your best is a continual process. It means getting back up after being knocked down and saying, “Today I will try again. I will do my best.”

Can you imagine what a life without assumptions would look like? This is probably my favorite of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Years ago, when I first read this chapter, I became aware of the large number of assumptions I made in my daily interactions. Ruiz points out the fear based behavior related to assumptions and demonstrates the problems that result in our life and relationships when we make assumptions. From that point forward it became clear to me this was another agreement worth adopting.

Ruiz begins his exploration of assumptions by suggesting that when we make them, we believe they are true. This makes sense. However, to clarify his statement I would expand on the topic by noting humans make different types of assumptions.

We make some assumptions because we don’t have enough information about a situation to move forward. In order to proceed we fill in some of the gaps with assumptions. We may be aware that some of these assumptions aren’t accurate, and perhaps we even intend to seek clarification later. However, in the situation it is the best we can do, so we proceed to act based on these assumptions.

Other assumptions we make are without intention. For example, imagine you need to use a public restroom in an unfamiliar location. As you approach the doors, you see a woman coming out of one restroom and a man entering the other. Most likely we assume that the gender assignment of the restrooms matches the people we see using them and consequently choose which one to enter. Although this example is slightly contrived, it represents the assumptions people constantly make and act upon with very little awareness or intent on ensuring their truth. Notice that in both cases, however, we essentially think our assumptions are true and take action based on these beliefs.

Ruiz also points out the reason people make assumptions is because they are afraid to ask for clarification. I think the essence of this idea is also accurate, which I will elaborate on slightly. In some cases, this fear may be obvious to the person making the assumption. Imagine you are in class and fail to understand something the professor explained. Everyone else in class seemed to grasp the concept as if it were simple. Naturally, it would be easy to feel embarrassed to ask for clarification in front the entire class, so making an assumption about what the professor said is easier.

In other cases, the fear may be hidden under layers of societal norms that we aren’t aware of. Going back to the restroom example, imagine you see someone with a masculine appearance entering the women’s restroom. You may be wondering whether the lady just has an unfortunate appearance or if you need to call security. Would you ask, “Excuse me, are you a lady? I’m not sure you are entering the correct restroom.” Most likely, we would not ask for such clarification because it is considered rude to insult people, and questioning a person’s gender may be interpreted as such. The fear of breaking these norms or upsetting the person stops us from asking. As a result, it’s much easier to make an assumption.

So, what could possibly go wrong from making assumptions we believe to be true because we are afraid to ask for clarification?

Ruiz points out a couple of the major problems that result. In relationships it is common for people to assume that their partner understands them and their needs. Furthermore, either person in a relationship may assume the other has similar goals or ideas about how the relationship is supposed to work. Yet, without discussing these topics or sharing our thoughts with our partner, it is easy for these assumptions to be wrong and as a result create frustration or anger when our partner behaves out of line with what we assumed.

Furthermore, we can create personal suffering if we make false assumptions about ourselves. Perhaps we assume we can accomplish certain tasks or perform well in a particular situation. Maybe in a new relationship with a troubled person we think “my love can change this person.” Whatever the case, when it turns out not to be true, it is easy to feel discourage or upset with ourselves for failing to fulfill the assumption. More likely though, we haven’t taken the time to assess ourselves or the situation by asking the right questions to get clarification about it.

What’s the solution? Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Communicate clearly. If you don’t understand something, ask questions to find out instead of assuming. Once you know the truth no assumptions will be necessary, and the results can transform your life and relationships with others. Maybe now it is easier to see what a life without assumptions would look like. You don’t just have to imagine it though; if you choose to take action you can live it, as well.

This is the second agreement Ruiz examines in his book The Four Agreements, which we started to examine in last week’s post. Once again, the ideas he shares take place within the context of the previously outlined framework. This includes the dream of the planet vs. one’s individual dream, the Judge that exists in one’s mind, and actions stemming from the track of love vs. the track of fear.

Ruiz is straightforward in his description of why we shouldn’t take anything personally: everything someone does is a result of their own personal dream; it is not about you. For that matter, the actions people take are never personal to you so taking things personally is an erroneous action that often leads to needless suffering.

At first, this idea seems counter to intuition. We may think, “but if someone gives me a hard time they are targeting me. It is personal.” Likewise, the idea that nothing is personal appears to contradict our own experience. We may think, “well, I know there were times when I directed some action towards a specific person. It was that person that I personally wanted to target.” Using these experiences as counter evidence to the idea that nothing is personal makes this agreement difficult to initially adopt.

However, Ruiz is asking us to challenge this initial intuition and replace it with another mental framework. Referring back to the concept explained in the second post, “The Mastery of Love,” we are all experiencing life in our separate minds, shaped by our unique histories, reactions, and experiences. The way we direct our unique, individual dream is reflected in our behavior and interactions with others.

With this in mind, the value of people and objects in our life do not necessarily reflect an inherent quality of that object, but more likely is a result of our assumptions, prior knowledge, and reactions to that object. Our behavior toward another person is therefore based on the agreements in our belief system that we have made toward that person or the group in which we categorize them. At this point it is relevant to remember the first agreement, “be impeccable with your word,” to recognize humans are prone to adopting false beliefs which add to the level of dysfunction in our behavior.

If we can accept that idea that the actions of other people toward us are not personal, we can avoid the natural tendency to react to them and prevent the suffering that usually results. Often, the reactions that cause the biggest problems result from taking negative behavior of other people personally.

For example, imagine you hear a group of people planning a party and overhear one of them referring to you when he says, “Don’t invite her, she is boring and stupid.” Their statement seems personal and it would be easy to feel awful as a result. Most likely our mind would start to race with doubt and fear as we tried to understand and react to the conversation. “Am I really stupid? Oh my gosh, what if everyone thinks I’m boring? No one will ever love me because it is true, I must be a boring person.”

However, if instead we understand the person making the comment is dealing with their own issues and judgements, then we see it is their personal dream that leads them to hold these ideas or state such beliefs. This person’s actions are coming from the track of fear, and for some reason they are directing their negative energy to avoid or verbally attack you. They may be intimidated by you or have a preference for other types of people. Whatever the reason, their actions are not personal, and we can continue being happy by not taking it personally and realizing the other person is dealing with their own issues. This is easier to do if we know our value is not determined by other people’s thoughts about us.

Not taking anything personally extends to our own beliefs and ideas as well. Referring back to the post “The Mastery of Love”, it is easy to see how the Judge in our minds tells us we are not good enough or that we have failed. If we understand these ideas are useless manifestations resulting from our domestication to the dream of the planet, then we can silence that train of thought and the related negative reactions by not taking it personally.

The agreement to not take anything personally has powerful results once adopted. By making this agreement with ourselves, we are no longer prisoners to our reactions from other people casting off their emotional poison. With immunity to the fear and suffering spread throughout the dream of the planet, the desire to experience a life of love and beauty becomes a reality.

This is the first of four agreements meant to transcend one’s experience of life beyond the distractions, fears, and chaos of the dream of the planet. It comes from a book by Don Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements, which I will examine in my remaining blog posts. The origins of the content are the same as his other book (see previous post on The Mastery of Love for additional details and background).

Ruiz opens the book with similar ideas used in The Mastery of Love, giving a brief outline of the collective dream of the planet and the domestication of the human mind. He elaborates slightly more on the way we accept the false ideas and roles we are put into, and how this eventually leads to a loss of self and disconnection from our original manifestation to naturally express love. Moreover, through the domestication process, the Judge in our mind is formed. The influence of this voice in our mind leads to self-rejection and perpetuation of the lies we have adopted into our belief system, which is also the source of suffering for ourselves and others.

Another related concept Ruiz reveals is the idea that it is only through our personal agreement with the rules and ideas formed in our mind that influence how we are affected. We are exposed to many ideas and rules, but it is only the ones we agree with that are incorporated into our belief system and influence our lives. This point becomes relevant later, because we can see that the process of transforming our experience is to recognize the lies of the collective dream we have added to our Book of Rules and to stop agreeing with them.

After laying this foundation, Ruiz explains the ideas behind the first agreement: Be impeccable with your word.

Ruiz points out the power behind using our words and communication, which is like a double edged sword. One edge creates an experience of hell on earth when misused, and the other cuts through lies an can turn our experience into bliss. When used for the wrong reasons, suffering in the collective dream is reinforced and magnified compared to being impeccable with our word. In broad terms, using the word incorrectly happens when the motivation behind our communication is fear based or has negative intentions.

Ruiz refers to the history behind World War II as an example of misuse of the power of the word. Through a campaign of fear based ideas, Hitler was able to transform the social fabric of Germany and steer it into war and killing on a scale never before seen. Clearly, misuse of the word, accidentally or intentionally, has devastating effects on those influenced by it.

In a more intimate example, the story of a mother coming home to her young daughter is used. The mother had a stressful day, her head aches, and her tolerance for noise is gone. The daughter is excited to greet mom, cheerfully dancing and singing for her arrival. “Why are you singing with that ugly voice, can’t you be quiet?” jabs the mother. The mother’s misuse of the word adds another rule to her daughter’s Book of Rules. In fact, the daughter never sings again, even though her voice is beautiful, because she hears the message sent by someone she loves most and thinks it must be true. By agreeing with the message it becomes part the daughter’s belief system that shapes her personality for life.

Consider for a moment what impeccable means. Traced to its origins, impeccable means “without sin.” Combined with the concept of sin as doing something that goes against one’s self, the first agreement can be restated “don’t use the word against yourself.” In general terms this implies ending our agreement to false believes given to us through domestication into the dream of the planet and using the word for good with ourselves and others.

These last two ideas are nearly inseparable, however, if you consider the consequences of using the word against someone else. For example, imagine two people walking down a street. As they pass, one person shouts an insult at the other passerby. It may seem as if the person shouting is using the word against the other, but careful examination reveals he is really harming himself.

When we use the word against others, it creates a similar reaction in the other person or the environment that is reflected back to us. Being rude is likely to get a rude response back. Loving or showing gratitude to someone likely to generate a similar response back. Not only do these dynamics affect the immediate interaction of the parties involved, but the effects contribute to the overall climate of the collective dream. Therefore, although it seems using our word toward someone else may only slightly impact us, we can see it is actually tied integrally to the experience and environment we live in. As such, the impact is personally significant as well. Being impeccable with your word includes not misusing it against others, as in the end that really comes back to harm ourselves. Ruiz discusses gossip as another example of misusing the word in this context.

What is the goal then? To use the word truthfully. To stop telling ourselves lies society has passed onto us which damage our lives in a fear-based dream. To take personal responsibility. To end our domestication that taught us to hide behind false images and suffer. To be honest with and respect ourselves. In this way, we find a ladder to climb out of the destructive dream of the planet to create something better.

Love is unconditional acceptance.

That is my four word summary of The Mastery of Love, a 205 page book of philosophy, parables, and observations about life and love by Don Miguel Ruiz. The content, originating from a pre-Columbian Central American community called the Toltec, presents a twist on concepts found in many other world religions and philosophies. My four word summary can’t capture the entire book, so I will attempt to paint a larger picture by summarizing its other main themes. As an aside, I do not write with any dogmatic intent but simply to share the ideas as food for thought.

To begin with, the analogy of dreaming is used to describe our experience of life. Two main dreams exist. One is the personal dream of each individual and the other is the collective dream of the planet. Our personal dream is unique, shaped by our past experiences, beliefs, and reactions. Within this frame of reference, we are artists who direct the creation of our personal dream by the choices we make to shape our daily experiences.

The second, collective dream is the result of everyone living their personal dream simultaneously and interacting with each other. This shapes our societies and includes all the rules, conventions, conflicting ideas, wars, etc. that have existed since before we arrived.

Additionally, Ruiz explains how all emotion and behavior can be divided into two categories, or tracks, the track of love and the track of fear. When living in the track of love our thoughts and actions are positive expressions related to love –respect, honesty, justice, kindness, compassion, freedom, taking responsibility, etc. Compare this to the track of fear, which is pervasive in the collective dream. Everything done in this track is fear based –guilt, blame, envy, anger, hate, jealousy, sadness, etc.

Humans are meant to thrive in the track of love as evidenced by observing the mindset we have at birth. As children, we play, create, explore, accept, forgive, live in the moment, … all expressions of the track of love. Unfortunately the collective dream is ubiquitous and it isn’t long before we are domesticated to the track of fear.

Through reward and punishment, children quickly learn the rules of the collective dream. Our innocence is lost as we shape our behavior to play the various roles of sibling, child, and student to avoid punishment and receive acceptance of others by fitting their expectations for us. Through this process, the true self as expressed through the track of love is marred with the artificial roles we create and act out in the track of fear.

During domestication, internalization of the collective dream creates the voice in our heads that is constantly judging our actions and worth. This Judge compares us to an unattainable standard of perfection that destroys the self-love and worth we once knew. After domestication, we are oblivious to the suffering caused by the fear-based dream. The track of love is lost, and a huge void opens after we forget the happiness created by the expression of love within ourselves.

Consequently, we seek acceptance and love from others through a fear based need to feel loved. Simultaneously, relationships become predictably messy when either person presents a false self to match what they think the other expects. In this context, an authentic relationship cannot form while misunderstanding and conflict are almost certain.

Furthermore, the Judge in our mind is happy to create expectations and judgements of our partner and vice-a-versa. Invariably, we feel let down when our partner fails to meet these expectations. It is easy to think, “If this person really knew and loved me, they would know how to treat me to make me happy.” However, this idea traps people deeper into the track of fear. Since reading other people’s minds and trying to meet their unrealistic, changing expectations is impossible, it is easy to see how conflict and unhappiness result.

These expectations lead to obligations that many people are willing to put up with in order to get a taste of love. Notice, however, that a partner feeling these obligations can no longer act freely and is pushed further off the track of love.

It’s like a child who is told to clean his room before playing outside. He grudgingly puts away his toys. Compare this to the child who cleans his room because he recognizes the benefit of a tidy room, not because he’s told to. He smiles as he places his last toy in its place. Actions done freely can flow from the track of love, while satisfying expectations relegates us to the track of fear.

The destructive cycle can be broken by recognizing we are looking for love in the wrong place.

Imagine you have a magical kitchen that spontaneously generates unlimited amounts of your favorite food. You are never hungry and joyfully share your food with others. One day a person arrives at your door with a pizza and says, “I have a pizza, and I will give you some as long as you do what I want.” Their offer sounds absurd, and you’d never accept it considering you have all the food you need. Your food  not only tastes better but is also available without any conditions attached.

Consider this scenario with love instead. Within you is all the love you need, and you happily share it with others. Then someone comes along with an offer to be in a relationship. They say, “I have some love, and I will share it with you as long as you do what I want.” Their offer represents the mindset of people living in the track of fear, looking for love and happiness through a relationship with another person. Like the pizza, however, their offer is useless because it is easy to see the needless suffering it would cause.

However, if we accept and love ourselves, the Judge goes away and we are no longer looking for another person to make us happy because we know that doesn’t work. This is living life in the track of love after we recognize the collective dream has derailed us onto the track of fear. At this point, if we enter a relationship, it is done so freely without expectation of what the other person must do to satisfy our conditions to be happy.

Of course, there may be many people you are compatible with, but the best match is made by knowing what you want and finding a partner who shares the same goals, values, etc.

Consider how we view pets for a moment. If we want a dog, we get a dog. If we want a cat, we get a cat. The dog performs their half of the relationship perfectly. They are excited to see you when you get home. They don’t get bothered if you are having a bad day. We accept the dog for being a dog. We are happy it acts like a dog and we don’t expect it to behave differently. Clearly, it would be silly to get upset at a dog for not acting like a cat.

Yet, if we get with someone and they are not like the person we want to be with, how do we react? Most people probably react by wanting that person to change. We cannot accept them how they are and want them to be different. But we cannot change others as it is up to them to change. So why should we be upset for being with a person who acts like a cat when we want a dog? It is much easier to get a dog than to expect a cat to act like a dog.

When acting on the track of love with the right person, a relationship can flourish. Both people can create a shared dream together that is more beautiful and happy than any relationship in the track of fear. Both partners can love and accept the other. There are no conditions attached; it is unconditional acceptance.

My jaw ached as I sat, biting the gauze between my gums. I couldn’t tell how hard I was biting because the Novocain was still active. It was summer vacation. Instead of playing outside I was stuck on the couch after a wisdom tooth extraction that took twice as long to remove half as many teeth as planned. The pain was tolerable, but the real bummer was knowing the tooth fairy wouldn’t be leaving as much cash for just two teeth.

During the down time I was inspired to read. I rarely read for leisure in my late teens, so it felt a bit out of place. However, the book my sister recommended to me a month earlier caught my interest and I had recently borrowed it.

I glanced at the artistic cover, an abstract painting with warm hues of red and yellows, gently curled leaves, and purple bands around the edges. “The Mastery of Love,” was the title of the small volume by Don Miguel Ruiz.

As I began to read, I kept an open mind and hoped to find something which would help me with my current relationship. The previous year of this long-distance relationship felt like a roller coaster. I would have given anything to make sense of it all and decide if it was time to move on or time to get hitched. I hoped the book would help me sort things out.

Needless to say, I didn’t get married. I did, however, take away some ideas that changed the way I thought about life and relationships. The ideas seemed small but have made a significant impact in my life since.

A year after that summer my sister told me, “Hey, he wrote another book!” She was referring to “The Four Agreements”, which showed up in my stocking that same Christmas and I devoured it in a single sitting.

These are the ideas that I will examine in my remaining posts. One for the mastery of love, and one for each of the four agreements: be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best.

Before continuing to read these posts, however, be warned that these ideas may change your life. I know it sounds cliché. However, you may start to see the world differently and notice your behavior changing.

Almost certainly it may improve your personal experience in life, but you may soon realize how differently you view things from many other people in the world. At times this can be hard: to see things crystal clear yet feel it clash with others’ awareness. However, fear not, for this will be more than offset by the greater personal benefit that results from these small ideas.

To help you on this journey, I have one piece of advice; keep an open mind. It will be challenging to condense these topics into 700 word blog posts and lay the same groundwork that is presented in the books. For that matter, I suggest checking out or buying a used copy if you are curious about the topics and want a fuller picture.

However, I think if you keep an open mind and understand that we are all still figuring out how to live this thing called life, you will have no problem identifying the ways in which these ideas relate to your life and how they can provide you with a useful tool by increasing your awareness.

PS – the follow-up extraction appointment went much smoother. If you see the tooth fairy though, please tell her I’m still awaiting payment.