excerpts from my 여행일기

[19.08.02]

2:30am

I can’t sleep. For weeks between my work schedule, I am realizing how much I’ve started slipping into phases of not only mental detachment, but also fear as I find myself almost unphased by the fact that I am leaving the country in less than a month. Everything up until this point has been nothing but an ongoing to-do list that has seemingly gotten longer and longer; Leading up until the final moments where there is nothing left to do but wait. I feel trapped, which is not abnormal during this time of year before I head back to college; however, this time instead of my regularly scheduled plane ride back to Washington, I am flying into a different country and re-living being a freshman at a new school all over again. I feel so torn with myself. I’ve been planning this for so long, dreaming about going to Korea as long as I can remember, and yet for the first time, I feel hesitation. Everyone around me is so excited for me and can’t wait to see what I do and what experiences I’ll bring back with me, but why don’t I feel that same excitement as I approach the final steps in this entire year-long process? Maybe it’s the fact that my Korean now is no better or worse than it was two years ago, or maybe the fact that my Dad recounted his disappointment in not being the one to take me himself, or maybe it’s the overwhelming excitement coinciding with the fear of the unknown and pressure faced with any remote expectations I have (and simultaneously am trying to suppress constantly). I guess whatever the reason, these next few weeks are really going to put me to the test as I am forced to face all the work and pressure I have been anticipating for years, only now, it’s all becoming a reality all at once. I hope to find the same drive and excitement I once had and can find a sense of peace and relaxation in the weeks leading up to my departure. I hope to stop asking myself “why did I do this?” and “what am I doing?” and reclaim my confidence and self-determination that once engulfed me. Twenty days and counting, let’s see what these next few weeks have in store in hopes I truly make the best of them.

[19.08.21]

2:15am

I’ve been sleeping well these past few days and waking up early for a change. It feels good and I’m feeling a lot better from where I was a few weeks ago. I know it’s all about finding my own sense of motivation and keeping consistent. For the past few days though I’ve felt completely numb as if the thought of going abroad fails to strike my emotions and nerves at all. Even now, I remain awake after finalizing my packing lists and going back to watching various videos and reading articles while trying to best prepare for this. I’ve been at a pretty low point recently, especially within the past couple of weeks, but I hope this is exactly what I need in order to help me spend quality time with friends and family. I couldn’t be more grateful; let’s see how these next few days treat me.

[19.08.22]

12:15am

After an entire week of trying to pinpoint my emotions, attempting to rationalize everything. As I await my trip, I have finally come to my own revelation. Although these last few days have flown by without even the slightest bit of anxiousness, not fear, I can finally depict my entire experience: a complete and utter dream. As the plane pulls out of an airport all too familiar to me; the quick stash of the city lights behind a trace of clouds has left me with no other explanation other than that of a dream. My emotional numbness and lack of public displays of my emotions have followed alongside me with a sense of lingering wonder and delayed effect. The moment I arrived in the international terminal, I was awakened with an overwhelming sense of excitement and anxiousness I have seemed to have lost all summer. Although I still feel as though I am taking a simple flight back to my school in Washington, that familiar feeling and excitement as I await my school remains the same. I guess some things do remain the same no matter where you are. Before my flight I was able to call a few of my friends, both in California and in Washington. I feel so lucky to have such an amazing support system wherever I seem to go. Although I will always miss them terribly, I still can’t help but feel absolutely excited to see and learn so much from so many different people, including myself. I am constantly seeking the unknown and await new things and opportunities that might come my way. I will say, being on this plane (and sitting next to a very…interesting man who seems to be falling in and out of a noisy sleep) makes me realize how much I need to do in life and how the entire world is at our fingertips. Although my expectations have been saved, this moment, one I have seemingly waited for my entire life, can be seen as just another moment. Another moment, another amazing moment I await with an open mind.