[19.11.06]

12:15pm

I hit a weird wall yesterday where all of a sudden, I felt really stressed and frustrated at my level of Korean. Granted, it has been a few weeks since I had time to sit down and fully study on my own (separate from my KLI classes), but it was a very different experience where all of a sudden I felt a surge of ignorance and anxiety take over me as I found myself shutting down for the first time. As we approach week ten, a surge of pressure just seized me as I am realizing I only have six more weeks here. Even though I will be back next semester, I just know how different it will all be with all new classes, new people, and a new living situation. It’s like I can feel time escaping me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. That’s probably the worst feeling. All I can do is try and savor my time here as much as possible before going back to reality again

[19.11.06]

8:50pm

I’m slipping again. For the first time in a long time, but now, I feel like I am falling once again, only this time, attacked by a different set of factors. I’m trying to pinpoint my emotions and I’m slowly realizing what’s happening around me. I feel as though I have hit a major wall in my language acquisition which is making everything else seem so much more difficult. Time has only aggravated everything. As I lose days, I can’t help but sitting back and sit face to face with all of my insecurities resting on the things in my life. I feel as though I have been trying so hard to build up and fight for and how much I still need to prove, and yet, everything is crumbling around me. I don’t know what to do to stop this and I’m scared. I have to work on so much for myself and I feel as though I can’t just watch it all fade away. I can do this…this too will pass…right?

[19.11.18]

11:03pm

I feel so good~ I’m enjoying everything again thanks to some amazing friends and incredible experiences. Last week I felt a little strange, I felt like I was slowly recovering from my last hiccup; wait I kinda like that, a hiccup, because that’s all it was.  I’m reconnecting with old friends recently and honestly, I am really grateful for all of the people in my life in such a unique moment of my time here.  After having such good conversations with some really good friends back home on long bus rides around the city, it’s just another reason to love everything happening right now.

[19.12.08]

8:50pm

I feel different, in the best way possible. I feel like after just living my life without such self-imposed limitations and by putting myself out there more and more, I have been feeling really good! Even though it’s absolutely terrifying at times, I pushed past the fear and have been pleasantly surprised. I am truly surprised at myself.  It has become really motivating for me since I thought I couldn’t do anything and really proved myself wrong (especially today). I feel such relief~ earlier this week had felt like I had a major epiphany regarding my own identity (which continues to be arbitrary in itself) and I feel like now I am on a new journey in my own discovery in what makes me Korean. Although I have never felt less Korean in my life, I also feel as though there is so much more to my own cultural identity than I first realized and how much more there is to discover. Next semester is going to really challenge me as I wish to continue to put myself out there more like I did today. With just two weeks left, I’m just so happy to just make the most of it for myself. I know how fast these next few weeks are gonna fly, but I am just so glad to be here and truly enjoying it fully.